In the film Kymatica ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AanQ2mY2jjc ), at 00:06:49, the narrator says "the Earth's resonant frequencies are a result of its form." This reminded me of a couple of mild experiences with chewed Salvia D. leaves in a club-dance situation where I saw that 'it' was all about frequencies and resonance. 'It' being, the dance partly, but moreover relationships aren't about the age of the individuals, but about the resonance between their frequencies. Which isn't to say I should be chasing after girls half my age, necessarily... but whether older or younger, it doesn't necessarily matter. I guess I've had a hangup about age differences for some time... and this seemed to be a somewhat profound realization at the time, even if right now it may not seem so significant.
Another frequency-related insight was that the brain (and body) are a transceiver interfacing the consciousness (from the "soul" or "higher-self"?) to this consensus-reality, or the "Maya" ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maya_(illusion) ), and that the brain of a person with Asperger's Syndrome is simply tuned to a different frequency. It may be an oversimplification, but I think there's some accuracy to the analogy.
===
Does smoking Salvia D. annoy the goddess of the Maya? Hah... silly question? But I ask because Salvia tells the experiencer, seemingly rather directly, that the outside world is an illusion. Perhaps Salvia is "lying"? (I don't really think so, exactly, but clearly the higher doses that lead to hallucinatory experiences are confusing, because clearly the "swirling" I saw couldn't have been "real", from the perspective of consensus-reality-consciousness. But maybe it had a reality unto itself?) Certainly it's a confusing state of mind. But I find it interesting how closely it corresponds to the sanskrit concept of "maya" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maya_(illusion) "Essentially, Mahamaya (great Maya) both blinds us in delusion (moha) and has the power to free us from it."
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Send love to the ego
It occurred to me that rather than trying to destroy the ego, as some DMT experiences might temporarily do, or as some dissociative meditation practices might be able to do in a more lasting way, perhaps we should send love to it.
This blog concurs:
send love to your ego:
http://www.byregion.net/articles-healers/Ego_Love.html
Also http://www.thrivingnow.com/transforming-the-ego/
It also occurs to me that instead of aiming for intense experiences (large amounts of alcohol, psychedelics, listening to music too-loudly, or even roller-coaster rides), perhaps I should learn to be more sensitive to the experiences around me. Enjoy more fully the little things in life, and perhaps the senses will open more fully to the richness of this world's sensory experiences.
I also think meditation could be extremely useful for a path of awakening / greater consciousness, but that's a separate subject.
This blog concurs:
send love to your ego:
http://www.byregion.net/articles-healers/Ego_Love.html
Also http://www.thrivingnow.com/transforming-the-ego/
It also occurs to me that instead of aiming for intense experiences (large amounts of alcohol, psychedelics, listening to music too-loudly, or even roller-coaster rides), perhaps I should learn to be more sensitive to the experiences around me. Enjoy more fully the little things in life, and perhaps the senses will open more fully to the richness of this world's sensory experiences.
I also think meditation could be extremely useful for a path of awakening / greater consciousness, but that's a separate subject.
open tabs: health,consciousness and spirituality
I have too many tabs open.
EG:
http://spiritualhealingjourney.com/2009/05/
http://spiritualhealingjourney.com/the-dance-of-consciousness/
http://www.nonduality.com/faq.htm
http://www.spiritualteachers.org/david_hawkins.htm
--> http://www.energygrid.com/spirit/2005/02ap-dowsinggod.html
behind the veil of consciousness
--> http://www.sacredscience.com/Goulden/SampleText.htm
BEHIND THE VEIL / BY DR. ALEXANDER GOULDEN / A FLAVOUR OF THE TEXT
or --> http://www.beyondtheveil.net/welcome.html
I googled: 6 year cycles: (because I was noticing a theme of roughly 6 year work-cycles in my life.)
--> http://creativenumerology.com/index.php?inc=includes/6year.html
--> http://creativenumerology.com/index.php?inc=includes/healingpower.html
treating sinusitis with +TENS
--> http://www.endfatigue.com/health_articles_r-s/Sinusitis-actually_a_yeast_infection.html
entheogenesis:
--> http://www.entheogen.tv/
--> http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7131809202703329203
--> http://www.erowid.org/archive/psychonaut/mushrooms/mushroom2.htm
I heard "the ego is the false belief that it is possible to be separate from God, and still exist." (A belief derived from "A Course in Miracles", perhaps? So I googled: ego false belief:
--> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/UniversalLifeOutreach/message/1010
http://whenreligionfails.blogspot.com/2011/05/transformation-of-ego.html
ACIM: http://www.followthecourse.com/posts/text-11v-dynamics-ego/
I was noticing that lightheadedness can last a day or two...
google: salvia residual dizziness:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/world-affairs/24883-doctors-participate-anti-salvia-propoganda.html
Interesting experience:
http://www.breakingopenthehead.com/forum/archive/index.php/t-873.html
"The main sense at that point was that the world as I had always experienced it was completely false, a dream, and that THIS was reality. I remember looking around at all the familiar things in my room and saying, "You mean this isn't real, and this, and this?" I was incredulous, yet I absolutely knew that it was true. After a couple of minutes, it calmed down a bit. I remember then lying back down, and bit by bit my ordinary life came back to me. Even then, though, I realized that what I was starting to remember, to piece together, might not turn out to be right. This was a very frightening experience."
That exactly describes the strong feeling I had, several times. Not so much after I get used to it as when the experience was more new...
EG:
http://spiritualhealingjourney.com/2009/05/
http://spiritualhealingjourney.com/the-dance-of-consciousness/
http://www.nonduality.com/faq.htm
http://www.spiritualteachers.org/david_hawkins.htm
--> http://www.energygrid.com/spirit/2005/02ap-dowsinggod.html
behind the veil of consciousness
--> http://www.sacredscience.com/Goulden/SampleText.htm
BEHIND THE VEIL / BY DR. ALEXANDER GOULDEN / A FLAVOUR OF THE TEXT
or --> http://www.beyondtheveil.net/welcome.html
I googled: 6 year cycles: (because I was noticing a theme of roughly 6 year work-cycles in my life.)
--> http://creativenumerology.com/index.php?inc=includes/6year.html
--> http://creativenumerology.com/index.php?inc=includes/healingpower.html
treating sinusitis with +TENS
--> http://www.endfatigue.com/health_articles_r-s/Sinusitis-actually_a_yeast_infection.html
entheogenesis:
--> http://www.entheogen.tv/
--> http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7131809202703329203
--> http://www.erowid.org/archive/psychonaut/mushrooms/mushroom2.htm
I heard "the ego is the false belief that it is possible to be separate from God, and still exist." (A belief derived from "A Course in Miracles", perhaps? So I googled: ego false belief:
--> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/UniversalLifeOutreach/message/1010
http://whenreligionfails.blogspot.com/2011/05/transformation-of-ego.html
ACIM: http://www.followthecourse.com/posts/text-11v-dynamics-ego/
I was noticing that lightheadedness can last a day or two...
google: salvia residual dizziness:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/world-affairs/24883-doctors-participate-anti-salvia-propoganda.html
Interesting experience:
http://www.breakingopenthehead.com/forum/archive/index.php/t-873.html
"The main sense at that point was that the world as I had always experienced it was completely false, a dream, and that THIS was reality. I remember looking around at all the familiar things in my room and saying, "You mean this isn't real, and this, and this?" I was incredulous, yet I absolutely knew that it was true. After a couple of minutes, it calmed down a bit. I remember then lying back down, and bit by bit my ordinary life came back to me. Even then, though, I realized that what I was starting to remember, to piece together, might not turn out to be right. This was a very frightening experience."
That exactly describes the strong feeling I had, several times. Not so much after I get used to it as when the experience was more new...
Past salvia experiences ("trips")
I so far do not keep a trip-log. If I were to reconstruct one, some trips would be summarized briefly as follows:
1) I am not my body. This is a recurrent and profound realization. Robert Monroe was right, I think. I am awareness. I'm merely wearing this body, for a while, like a glove.
2) Matrix-like nature of reality. A feeling that this is the red-pill; gateway to the "other side of the matrix", and that I might fall asleep here and wake up there and realize that my entire life was just a dream. (Read about the Maya, or the illusory nature of reality for more on this concept.)
3) "Avatar"-like nature. My body felt like a glove that I was wearing; somewhat more-loosely than normal after taking this "solvent" that was dissolving my connection to my body. I think we each went to the Rent-a-body outfit in that place from which we came, signed a form to live an Earth-life, then popped out as baby, forgetting who we are (due to the "veils of perception", or some sort of law of forgetting that says we decided to forget who we were so that we could live a new life unencumbered by preconceived notions about what we should do in this life.)
4) This is "serious stuff". I could comment at length on speculations about what that perception may mean, but I'm really not sure. It does NOT mean that I was thinking "this is strong stuff". Rather, it means to me, that this new perception of reality is getting at some "big secret" or truth that most people are not aware of. That's probably because most people are stuck in their egos most of their lives. (See http://groups.yahoo.com/group/UniversalLifeOutreach/message/1010 )
5) Life is all a game, and there is no "right" or "wrong", per se. We are all just learning and growing here. This is a frustrating perception, because it makes me feel there is no justice. There may be karma, but I'm still not sure what to think on that topic. I've been angered before (while on Salvia) by this perception, and I'm still a little upset by this realization at times.
6) The brain/body comprise a transceiver, interfacing between "this reality" and some higher realm from which our soul/higher-self come. For example, I consider autistic people to have a transceiver that is just tuned to a slightly different frequency (as an analogy for neurodiversity.)
7) This body needs work. More exercise, better food, better sleep habits, etc. I need to work on cleaning out the "gunk" that is slowing my body down and making me tired so frequently. Frequent insights or perceptions are related to my body. Somehow, being slightly dissociated from the body makes it easier to look within the body for problems it may be having (and to realize that the body, and those problems is has, are not "you".)
These were all on light to medium-level doses. The heavy doses always seem to scare me a bit, so far, so I've yet to "break-through". But though I may visit some interesting realms, I've given to believe (based on my discussions with a buddy) that I'm unlikely to find much deeper, more-profound truths by going there. So it may be unnecessary at this point; maybe I've gotten all I need out of the experiences I've had.
In particular (referring to a recent experience), seeing strong visual effects can apparently be a bit difficult, because the brain seems to have a habit of thinking that everything it perceives is real. The ego is shocked and hurt when "reality" starts to dissolve right in front of its eyes. At least, that's how I felt when I had my strongest dose yet (about 0.07 grams of 20x, I guess, not particularly strong, but the strongest in recent history.) Call me a wimp; I guess I just haven't been ready for the really strong doses yet (after 9 months...sheesh.) They are emotionally taxing, because of beliefs my body/brain have that I didn't even know I had. Like, the floor and my sneaker just "shouldn't" turn into little swirling vortexes of some sort of apparent liquid/gaseous-like substance. You'd think "that's just a visual effect; what's the big deal?" But it's almost as if "Lady Salvia" is trying to tell me, really strongly, that this altered-perception of reality is MORE REAL than the usual brainwave-state I am walking around in, and my ego is saying NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... DONT TELL ME THAT!!!!!!!!! It's an intensely emotional and painful experience if you don't want to see the "truth" behind this reality. I had no bodily fear, but I found the experience uncomfortable to my psyche. Yet I think there is value in the suffering; once you are through it, you can begin to see through the illusions you've built up in your psyche (your false beliefs, of which the ego consists).
The following post seems quite apropos:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/world-affairs/24883-doctors-participate-anti-salvia-propoganda.html
"A strong dose of Salvia (one thick, solid bong hit) is like the peak of basically any other drug times two. It might put some things into perspective for you, albeit very bluntly and harshly. I can see why most people can't handle it. I can just barely handle it, and I can handle a lot.
If you are living a lie, or an immature, self-centered life, you will most likely have a very painful trip.
Salvia is full of absolute truth. Most people, in general, don't want to see the truth. Not really. If you are, however, at a point in your life where things seem overly dramatic, or confusing, a salvia trip will certainly put them into perspective for you, in one way or another."
===
However, further reading about HPPD and some feeling of residual lightheadedness that I have been noticing has me thinking that it might be wise to quit playing around with Salvia, at least for a while. Frustrating, since I still haven't obtained "breakthrough", but maybe being (or becoming) more grounded in "this reality" requires me to *NOT* "break-through" to some apparently-other "reality", or whatever would occur. However, I don't know...I have trouble believing there's any harm is "just one" breakthrough...
But the light doses seem not to usually bring any new strong insights. I think Salvia may have taught me all I need to know, for now, until such time as I've integrated and acted on my new understandings.
1) I am not my body. This is a recurrent and profound realization. Robert Monroe was right, I think. I am awareness. I'm merely wearing this body, for a while, like a glove.
2) Matrix-like nature of reality. A feeling that this is the red-pill; gateway to the "other side of the matrix", and that I might fall asleep here and wake up there and realize that my entire life was just a dream. (Read about the Maya, or the illusory nature of reality for more on this concept.)
3) "Avatar"-like nature. My body felt like a glove that I was wearing; somewhat more-loosely than normal after taking this "solvent" that was dissolving my connection to my body. I think we each went to the Rent-a-body outfit in that place from which we came, signed a form to live an Earth-life, then popped out as baby, forgetting who we are (due to the "veils of perception", or some sort of law of forgetting that says we decided to forget who we were so that we could live a new life unencumbered by preconceived notions about what we should do in this life.)
4) This is "serious stuff". I could comment at length on speculations about what that perception may mean, but I'm really not sure. It does NOT mean that I was thinking "this is strong stuff". Rather, it means to me, that this new perception of reality is getting at some "big secret" or truth that most people are not aware of. That's probably because most people are stuck in their egos most of their lives. (See http://groups.yahoo.com/group/UniversalLifeOutreach/message/1010 )
5) Life is all a game, and there is no "right" or "wrong", per se. We are all just learning and growing here. This is a frustrating perception, because it makes me feel there is no justice. There may be karma, but I'm still not sure what to think on that topic. I've been angered before (while on Salvia) by this perception, and I'm still a little upset by this realization at times.
6) The brain/body comprise a transceiver, interfacing between "this reality" and some higher realm from which our soul/higher-self come. For example, I consider autistic people to have a transceiver that is just tuned to a slightly different frequency (as an analogy for neurodiversity.)
7) This body needs work. More exercise, better food, better sleep habits, etc. I need to work on cleaning out the "gunk" that is slowing my body down and making me tired so frequently. Frequent insights or perceptions are related to my body. Somehow, being slightly dissociated from the body makes it easier to look within the body for problems it may be having (and to realize that the body, and those problems is has, are not "you".)
These were all on light to medium-level doses. The heavy doses always seem to scare me a bit, so far, so I've yet to "break-through". But though I may visit some interesting realms, I've given to believe (based on my discussions with a buddy) that I'm unlikely to find much deeper, more-profound truths by going there. So it may be unnecessary at this point; maybe I've gotten all I need out of the experiences I've had.
In particular (referring to a recent experience), seeing strong visual effects can apparently be a bit difficult, because the brain seems to have a habit of thinking that everything it perceives is real. The ego is shocked and hurt when "reality" starts to dissolve right in front of its eyes. At least, that's how I felt when I had my strongest dose yet (about 0.07 grams of 20x, I guess, not particularly strong, but the strongest in recent history.) Call me a wimp; I guess I just haven't been ready for the really strong doses yet (after 9 months...sheesh.) They are emotionally taxing, because of beliefs my body/brain have that I didn't even know I had. Like, the floor and my sneaker just "shouldn't" turn into little swirling vortexes of some sort of apparent liquid/gaseous-like substance. You'd think "that's just a visual effect; what's the big deal?" But it's almost as if "Lady Salvia" is trying to tell me, really strongly, that this altered-perception of reality is MORE REAL than the usual brainwave-state I am walking around in, and my ego is saying NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... DONT TELL ME THAT!!!!!!!!! It's an intensely emotional and painful experience if you don't want to see the "truth" behind this reality. I had no bodily fear, but I found the experience uncomfortable to my psyche. Yet I think there is value in the suffering; once you are through it, you can begin to see through the illusions you've built up in your psyche (your false beliefs, of which the ego consists).
The following post seems quite apropos:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/world-affairs/24883-doctors-participate-anti-salvia-propoganda.html
"A strong dose of Salvia (one thick, solid bong hit) is like the peak of basically any other drug times two. It might put some things into perspective for you, albeit very bluntly and harshly. I can see why most people can't handle it. I can just barely handle it, and I can handle a lot.
If you are living a lie, or an immature, self-centered life, you will most likely have a very painful trip.
Salvia is full of absolute truth. Most people, in general, don't want to see the truth. Not really. If you are, however, at a point in your life where things seem overly dramatic, or confusing, a salvia trip will certainly put them into perspective for you, in one way or another."
===
However, further reading about HPPD and some feeling of residual lightheadedness that I have been noticing has me thinking that it might be wise to quit playing around with Salvia, at least for a while. Frustrating, since I still haven't obtained "breakthrough", but maybe being (or becoming) more grounded in "this reality" requires me to *NOT* "break-through" to some apparently-other "reality", or whatever would occur. However, I don't know...I have trouble believing there's any harm is "just one" breakthrough...
But the light doses seem not to usually bring any new strong insights. I think Salvia may have taught me all I need to know, for now, until such time as I've integrated and acted on my new understandings.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Do we need pain?
I googled: our soul needs pain to learn
I found:
http://www.physicsforums.com/archive/index.php/t-45269.html
..Of course we need pain. Pain is great.
Pain is an important part of who you are and how you become. It is the signs that tell us what areas need attention. Both mental and emotional pains are equally important to the pleasures.
...
I do think we need pain, of various sorts, to learn. I conclude that because I believe this "reality" in which we live (the Maya, or the illusory reality), is one that is created, and as such was designed for our experiences. Only the experiences, and the lessons we learn from them and integrate into our beings, have any lasting value. Everything else is temporary, and illusory.
I think some mild to medium-strength Salvia trips have aided me in some of my recent insights and realizations. I can't recommend for or against taking Salvia as an aide to understanding oneself and the universe. I can merely say that I think it's helped me see what, inside me and in the world, isn't "real", and as such I can reprogram my understanding and approach to life by debugging my psyche, and removing some of the illusory notions. However, the actual insights I get are generally very simple, and merely point the way to greater understanding. For example, I once noticed that my bowels felt clogged-up. Okay, it's not such a great topic of discussion, but the point is, I'm often reminded of things I may already know, but wasn't paying attention to, when in the light salvia trance (say, just one leaf, smoked). I also sometimes think I have a different personality; a deeper personality, beneath the mask of the ego.
Anyway, the actual insight that led me to create this post was that pain is needed for contrast. Without evil, how would we recognize good? Without "bad" music, how would we recognize "good" music. The latter example seems like a poor one, since music tastes vary so greatly, but perhaps the two are more similar than they at first seem; do not also judgements of what is "evil" and what is "good" vary widely from one belief-system or religion to the next?
Mind you, it isn't a salvia insight. Nor is it a very "deep" insight. Perhaps I should just call it a guess, or a conclusion I arrived at through observation and recalling reading something like that before.
I found:
http://www.physicsforums.com/archive/index.php/t-45269.html
..Of course we need pain. Pain is great.
Pain is an important part of who you are and how you become. It is the signs that tell us what areas need attention. Both mental and emotional pains are equally important to the pleasures.
...
I do think we need pain, of various sorts, to learn. I conclude that because I believe this "reality" in which we live (the Maya, or the illusory reality), is one that is created, and as such was designed for our experiences. Only the experiences, and the lessons we learn from them and integrate into our beings, have any lasting value. Everything else is temporary, and illusory.
I think some mild to medium-strength Salvia trips have aided me in some of my recent insights and realizations. I can't recommend for or against taking Salvia as an aide to understanding oneself and the universe. I can merely say that I think it's helped me see what, inside me and in the world, isn't "real", and as such I can reprogram my understanding and approach to life by debugging my psyche, and removing some of the illusory notions. However, the actual insights I get are generally very simple, and merely point the way to greater understanding. For example, I once noticed that my bowels felt clogged-up. Okay, it's not such a great topic of discussion, but the point is, I'm often reminded of things I may already know, but wasn't paying attention to, when in the light salvia trance (say, just one leaf, smoked). I also sometimes think I have a different personality; a deeper personality, beneath the mask of the ego.
Anyway, the actual insight that led me to create this post was that pain is needed for contrast. Without evil, how would we recognize good? Without "bad" music, how would we recognize "good" music. The latter example seems like a poor one, since music tastes vary so greatly, but perhaps the two are more similar than they at first seem; do not also judgements of what is "evil" and what is "good" vary widely from one belief-system or religion to the next?
Mind you, it isn't a salvia insight. Nor is it a very "deep" insight. Perhaps I should just call it a guess, or a conclusion I arrived at through observation and recalling reading something like that before.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Wrong Way
Ever found yourself going the Wrong Way?
Here's how to get to the Wright Way:
http://maps.google.com/
Wrong Way to Wright Way
Driving directions to Wright Way, NY 12059
39.5 mi – about 1 hour 23 mins
Wrong Way, Averill Park, New York 12018
1. Head northeast on Wrong Way toward County Rte-43/Oak Hill Rd 0.1 mi
2. Turn left at County Rte-43/Oak Hill Rd 0.2 mi
3. Slight left at County Rte-40/Plank Rd 2.5 mi
4. Turn left at NY-351 3.7 mi
5. Turn right at NY-43 6.5 mi
6. Merge onto I-90 W via the ramp to Albany 1.5 mi
7. Take exit 6A to merge onto I-787 S toward Albany 4.0 mi
8. Turn left at McCarty Ave/Southern Blvd/US-9W
Continue to follow Southern Blvd/US-9W 0.5 mi
9. Turn left at Delaware Ave/Main St/NY-443
Continue to follow NY-443 14.3 mi
10. Slight right at Helderberg Trail/NY-443 2.7 mi
11. Turn left at Filkins Hill Rd 1.8 mi
12. Turn right at Woodstock Rd 0.8 mi
13. Turn left at Cole Hill Rd/County Rte-2 0.7 mi
14. Turn left at Wright Way 0.1 mi
Wright Way
NY 12059
Here's how to get to the Wright Way:
http://maps.google.com/
Wrong Way to Wright Way
Driving directions to Wright Way, NY 12059
39.5 mi – about 1 hour 23 mins
Wrong Way, Averill Park, New York 12018
1. Head northeast on Wrong Way toward County Rte-43/Oak Hill Rd 0.1 mi
2. Turn left at County Rte-43/Oak Hill Rd 0.2 mi
3. Slight left at County Rte-40/Plank Rd 2.5 mi
4. Turn left at NY-351 3.7 mi
5. Turn right at NY-43 6.5 mi
6. Merge onto I-90 W via the ramp to Albany 1.5 mi
7. Take exit 6A to merge onto I-787 S toward Albany 4.0 mi
8. Turn left at McCarty Ave/Southern Blvd/US-9W
Continue to follow Southern Blvd/US-9W 0.5 mi
9. Turn left at Delaware Ave/Main St/NY-443
Continue to follow NY-443 14.3 mi
10. Slight right at Helderberg Trail/NY-443 2.7 mi
11. Turn left at Filkins Hill Rd 1.8 mi
12. Turn right at Woodstock Rd 0.8 mi
13. Turn left at Cole Hill Rd/County Rte-2 0.7 mi
14. Turn left at Wright Way 0.1 mi
Wright Way
NY 12059
Friday, March 13, 2009
reactive versus proactive
http://sampath.dassanayake.name/2005/12/reactive-vs-proactive-language.html
Friday, January 23, 2009
Tatu - 30 Minutes
Tearjerker, for me, for some reason... a very sad video...
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/tatu/30minutes.html
t.A.T.u. LYRICS
30 Minutes Ringtone Send "30 Minutes" Ringtone to Cell Phone 30 Minutes Ringtone
"30 Minutes"
Out of sight
Out of mind
Out of time
To decide
Do we run?
Should I hide?
For the rest
Of my life
Can we fly?
Do I stay?
We could lose
We could fail
In the moment
It takes
To make plans
Or mistakes
30 minutes, a blink of an eye
30 minutes,to alter our lives
30 minutes,to make up my mind
30 minutes,to finally decide
30 minutes,to whisper your name
30 minutes,to shoulder the blame
30 minutes,of bliss, thirty lies
30 minutes,to finally decide
Carousels
In the sky
That we shape
With our eyes
Under shade
Silhouettes
Casting shade
Crying rain
Can we fly?
Do I stay?
We could lose
We could fail
Either way
Options change
Chances fail
Trains derail
30 minutes, a blink of an eye
30 minutes,to alter our lives
30 minutes,to make up my mind
30 minutes,to finally decide
30 minutes,to whisper your name
30 minutes,to shoulder the blame
30 minutes,of bliss, thirty lies
30 minutes,to finally decide
To decide
To decide, to decide, to decide
To decide
To decide, to decide, to decide
To decide
[30 Minut]
Zarevet ubezhat
Ili dver na zamok
I molchat I lezhat
Izuchat potolok
I mechtat ne kak vse
Tselovat nebesa
Potolok karusel
Polchasa polchasa
Polchasa poezda pod otkos
Polchasa ne tvoya polosa
Polchasa, polchasa ne vopros
Ne otvet polchasa, polchasa
Polchasa bez tebya, polchasa
Polchasa on I ya, polchasa
Kazhdyi sam, kazhdyi sam Polchasa
po svoim adresam Polchasa
Sorvalas I kak vse
Kak vo sne
Ya ni ya
Ne moya karusel
I mechta ne moya
Ili dym, ili grust
Ili dozhd, po glazam
Ya vernus, ya vernus
Polachasa, polchasa
Polchasa poezda pod otkos
Polchasa ne tvoya polosa
Polchasa, polchasa ne vopros
Ne otvet polchasa, polchasa
Polchasa bez tebya, polchasa
Polchasa on I ya, polchasa
Kazhdyi sam, kazhdyi sam Polchasa
po svoim adresam
Polchasa-a ...
[Thanks to thecrossinggaurdssupreme@hotmail.com, socksrocks01@aol.com for correcting these lyrics]
[ www.azlyrics.com ]
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Expiration week
Yeah, another option expiration week. Am I watching my positions? Not obsessively, I like to think. Once or twice a day. Still, looking at my positions sometimes leads to an impulsive trade. Well, that's partly what got me into one that was looking good yesterday, long OIH with two diamond butterflies 1x2x1 70/80/85 Jan 09. Worth $2000 if all goes well and OIH goes to exactly $80.00 on 3:59:59 EDT Friday, January 16. Ha! Not likely. It'll probably either blow past 80 to 85 or so and be worth $1000, or it'll expire worthless as the market crashes in expiration week again.
Is this on my mind constantly, even if I'm not watching my positions obsessively? Well, with $26,000 of debt, no income, and trading with debt money, I suppose it's unavoidable. So maybe all the obsessive FaceBook gaming these past few weeks has been a way to distract myself from being obsessive about trading. That is *NOT* proof that I am not obsessive about trading, now! It is merely proof that I can replace one habitual obsession with another. Yes, addicts can find substitutes, but substitutes do not cure the addiction.
Hmm, I should probably try some EFT... (Emotional Freedom Technique, some sort of tapping recommended by Joe Mercola of Mercola.com, see http://www.emofree.com/)
Friday, January 9, 2009
Slow work / tiredness / trading
I just stubled across this in my history:
http://luckiestone.blogspot.com/
It's about a law student afflicted by a gambling addiction.
Well, did my gambling addiction take over my life, perhaps to an equal extent? I think that question need not even be asked, if one were to include all the money-loaning activity I did from 1999 through 2004 in the category of my gambling activities. Surely, it did. Does it now, when I just have $10,000 at risk on some option positions that bounce back and forth by about $1000 a day on average, lately? Hmm... It's not so unsettling anymore. No, I don't want to nor expect to just lose that $10k, but I am familiar with the risks now in a way I wasn't three years ago, and I *still*, despite the pain of losing about $100,000 trading these last three years, am glad for the experience of finally coming to understand risk better. But I suppose there may be cheaper and better ways of learning such...
My work on the project, the startup I joined 5 years ago, as has been the case several times these past few years, has been very slow in progress in the last few months. Considering I have no income, I really should just drop it and go get a job, but I am somewhat concerned about how my poor performance of late reflects upon me, and even if that does not affect someone else's judgement of me, it affects my own, so I am determined to get this project to the point I intended to ... to a point of satisfactory completion, having redesigned the database and optimized the cube and the front-end of this BI application. But my perfectionism slows me down, as does some sort of aversion I have to the whole project (maybe because I resent not being paid for it, lately.)
Ahh, hopefully these next few days will go more productively. But once again I was awake most of the night, and am a little bit tired now... need to sleep the next 6 hours, but I plan to fight it for now. That fighting sleep leads, I fear, to a stress loop that makes it hard to get good-quality sleep, but I think exercise should help me work out of it. It seems to me to have helped yesterday.
http://luckiestone.blogspot.com/
It's about a law student afflicted by a gambling addiction.
Well, did my gambling addiction take over my life, perhaps to an equal extent? I think that question need not even be asked, if one were to include all the money-loaning activity I did from 1999 through 2004 in the category of my gambling activities. Surely, it did. Does it now, when I just have $10,000 at risk on some option positions that bounce back and forth by about $1000 a day on average, lately? Hmm... It's not so unsettling anymore. No, I don't want to nor expect to just lose that $10k, but I am familiar with the risks now in a way I wasn't three years ago, and I *still*, despite the pain of losing about $100,000 trading these last three years, am glad for the experience of finally coming to understand risk better. But I suppose there may be cheaper and better ways of learning such...
My work on the project, the startup I joined 5 years ago, as has been the case several times these past few years, has been very slow in progress in the last few months. Considering I have no income, I really should just drop it and go get a job, but I am somewhat concerned about how my poor performance of late reflects upon me, and even if that does not affect someone else's judgement of me, it affects my own, so I am determined to get this project to the point I intended to ... to a point of satisfactory completion, having redesigned the database and optimized the cube and the front-end of this BI application. But my perfectionism slows me down, as does some sort of aversion I have to the whole project (maybe because I resent not being paid for it, lately.)
Ahh, hopefully these next few days will go more productively. But once again I was awake most of the night, and am a little bit tired now... need to sleep the next 6 hours, but I plan to fight it for now. That fighting sleep leads, I fear, to a stress loop that makes it hard to get good-quality sleep, but I think exercise should help me work out of it. It seems to me to have helped yesterday.
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