Well, it seems I'm long overdue some updates. I haven't had any manic episodes lately, but rather miss it in a way. There was something different about the day after the night I went to the hospital with an apparent manic-exhaustion attack (although perhaps a heat exhaustion attack, at least partly). The following day, it was as if my eyes were opened, and I saw everything in a new light. Actually, I felt a depression lifted. I acted drunk, although I wasn't (apparently, at a drum circle at Greenlake that Thursday, which I joined, the leader thought I might be drunk, though he didn't mind my presence at all. I assured him I wasn't. But I was unusually giddy.) I seemed also hyper-sexual, which could be a bit embarrassing to think of but I didn't act on it in any overt way, it's just that I noticed women even more than I normally do. The most pronounced differences were probably a dropping of my normal low-level depression and fear, and a dropping of my normal critical nature and tendency toward negative judgement. And for that moment, or for those hours, I felt like things that used to matter really didn't, and that all my old fears and negative judgement were really fake and based on an incorrect perception of reality, and that this new reality I was perceiving was the "real" one.
I still would like to return to that, someday, but am not about to smoke coke to do it. (!!! ... of course not.) Nor do I think that taking an excess of energy drinks and alcohol for three days, lacking sleep, in an attempt to reproduce the experience, is particularly wise, and besides, I wouldn't likely have the discipline to push my body to those extremes. I'd more likely nap, take it easy on my body, if it weren't for that new job I had that week (in the first week!). Well, the job only lasted 6 weeks, and perhaps it's largely because of the bad patterns I started out with. But perhaps I knew I could not tolerate that boss for long. Micromanagers are not for me.
So lately, I work from home, on a project that, well, I haven't done as well on as I should. I had a major push on it in October and early November, but have yet to resume quite the same energy, since my 2-week visit to family in Chicago and Hartford areas.
I still would like to return to that, someday, but am not about to smoke coke to do it. (!!! ... of course not.) Nor do I think that taking an excess of energy drinks and alcohol for three days, lacking sleep, in an attempt to reproduce the experience, is particularly wise, and besides, I wouldn't likely have the discipline to push my body to those extremes. I'd more likely nap, take it easy on my body, if it weren't for that new job I had that week (in the first week!). Well, the job only lasted 6 weeks, and perhaps it's largely because of the bad patterns I started out with. But perhaps I knew I could not tolerate that boss for long. Micromanagers are not for me.
So lately, I work from home, on a project that, well, I haven't done as well on as I should. I had a major push on it in October and early November, but have yet to resume quite the same energy, since my 2-week visit to family in Chicago and Hartford areas.
