Friday, July 18, 2008

Stabilized

Probably. As of just a day or two after the episode. And, as I feared during the episode (while I was definitely, in my own perception, talking and thinking fast, ideas and thoughts coming up almost faster than I could process, and calling a few people to talk about things during it all), after the episode of "mania" went away, I practically forgot it existed. I mean, I know I felt different then, and was convinced my mental state was dramatically different, but now (in my "normal" state of mind), it hardly seems like it happened, and that state of mind I was in doesn't seem so strange or abnormal. Partly I think it's that I'm not used to not being depressed, since 99% of the time I am. My only escapes from depression are alcohol (at least 5 or 6 drinks I think; 1 or 2 just makes me mildly drunk but does not sufficiently subdue the depression) or weed. But that stuff doesn't seem to be legal, last I checked, so it's been a while... If only I could have a "normal" brain. Perhaps I destroyed my seratonin neurons that one time I took MDMA (xtc), but I don't really think so. I seem to recall feeling rather depressed or frustrated most of my life, at least since pubescence if not before. It might have to do with some sort of imbalance caused by an inability to properly digest milk or wheat (gluten), but I don't think it's that simple either, because I don't have either of those every day. I do think the doctor who diagnosed me as severely depressed in 2003 was essentially right, though I'm so used to the state of mind that I didn't really realize it.
The funny thing is, I don't act it lately, so I'm not sure all I'm saying is even true (right now). I just know that I swing into a depressed/discouraged/frustrated state of mind sometimes, and sometimes stay there for weeks or months. Right now I am mostly encouraged about my progress at a new job and prospects for continuing there, or heck, if I lose it, my ability to find another.

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