Gaming: What is a game?

Also, what is an addiction? Or a compulsion? And what is the difference?

Compulsive gambling (trading)...

Addictive gaming...

A bit of an alcohol addiction at times...altho I might term it differently.

I've tried it all. And none of those really serve me. Yet they have functions, at least as coping mechanisms, at times. I seem not to want to completely abandon them (tho' I've not traded in about 17 months.)

Partly at the encouragement of the guy I live with lately, I have (mostly) quit Fortnite. (Finally...) And I mostly deride it now, as a silly kids' game. I still aspire to learn UEFN eventually, as the language it employs (Verse) has such solid functional-programming/mathematical foundations (including a linear-type system), that I think the engagement of being a gamedev (probably working on musical/beatmaking experiences in the platform, or maybe generative worlds with a possible incremental/tycoon dynamic) would help me to learn and apply such mathematical foundations in my coding processes, and apply them in other domains. But overall, I doubt Epic's Fortnite platform is the way for me to start as a gamedev, if and when I do... I suppose it may be the easiest start, if I keep my first experiences simple.... conflicted... I think I want to go the direction of an open-source game engine, eg. one written in Rust (the language, not the game), or with Rust bindings. (Many Haskellers seem to have moved on to Rust, lately...)

Why did I do it?

Why did I let myself become a gamer? I haven't been, all my life. Okay, in the 1990s for a while; I tried the Epic Megagames of the time, the Commander Keen and Jill of the Jungle type my father also liked. (That *was* Epic, right?) And Wolf3D, Quake, early Doom, deathmatches, etc, into the early 2000s at times (but not much.) I had plenty of other stuff going on then to not be that drawn to 3d games anymore. But after losing my job at Amazon I found myself drawn to Yahoo Games; Literati and other word games, and an unfortunate Spades addition (like 14,000+ games as I recall.) Then came the stupid Zynga stuff; had to try Mob Wars and Mafia Wars (clickers... incremental... "tycoon" type to use Fortnite terminology.) Very regrettable waste of time and attention, for a few years(!) 

Okay, so I *am* a gamer. On and off.

And maybe the programming was only successful when it fit into my gamer personality. When it was a personal challenge. When there was an obstacle to overcome. When there was a perceived huge reward "at the end of the tunnel." Like when the site I developed from 1996 thru 1999 was sold for millions and I got a healthy percentage of that...

But that doesn't happen many times in one's lifetime, by random chance. Only once, in my case. And I've lost the money, many times over....

I really should 'figure myself out'... what motivates me? What keeps me engaged?

Am I an "actor", a dramatist, as the guy I live with says... should I go to LA (city of sin?) then, and join the (evil) entertainment industry? I think I'm a bit old for that....probably. But perhaps I should give myself an outlet, as a performer.,, 

I greatly admire some performers. "Hi Ren", is an example of a performance I admired and almost envied. I *almost* wanted to do that for karoke, someday, but it's not only very challenging; it's also not my story, and not *exactly* my style. I love the concept, though; externalizing one's inner drama and inner "demons". I would probably choose a lower-key approach, showing a bit more maturity (hopefully) and perspective gained over time. I think I've experienced just as much pain as he has this lifetime though (if perhaps not quite as intensely as he has, lying in bed with an apparent autoimmune condition, for years, with neuroinflammation leading to psychosis.)

Why again, the gaming?

I am sure it was an outlet or an escape from the trading failures. 19 years of trading failures took a huge toll on me, psychologically. It made me feel like a huge huge failure, and only hiding in a game (where there is no such thing as failure) could appease my internal distress. That or escape into alcohol or perhaps the Salvia experience (tho I generally put that into a different category; not so much an escape but more of an engaging experience with a different type of consciousness. I still think it had use, as a psychonaut-type experience, even if maybe it doesn't anymore.)

I also feel like I couldn't get my brain going without a quick game. (Too bad I didn't keep it to that, an occasional brief escape, instead of letting myself go hog-wild with Fortnite Tycoons... they are so stupid to get that deep into that you compete for top-10 in a leaderboard, as I did a few times...)

What does "get my brain going" mean though? I clearly need a different way. Like a brainstorming session; just writing down ideas. That's what my housemate loves to do. (If only he just classified it as his way of "fun", instead of making it so important and involving his ego so much... he  thinks his ideas are worth millions, and I refuse to believe that... well not completely refuse, but the idea isn't the value, in my opinion; it's a wortkable implementation.)

I've probably written enough on this for now. There's no conclusion coming to mind, just, the intent to change my habits and motivations a bit; to get better at engaging in work. And drop my aversions or fears or hesitation or procrastination that has been hampering work progress, in recent years. I would like to at least be *able* to get another full-time job (in IT), and I've not even dared try in recent months (years), while often blaming it on other people (like my obnoxious housemate, but perhaps only obnoxious because he so ardently pushes me to change in ways I don't want to so fast... well there's more to it than that but that's part of it.)