Antimatter Dimensions

Antimatter Dimensions, an incremental game, is some strange sort of torture. Why would anyone spend 93 days to complete it? Clicking on buttons to complete challenges and achievements... from what I have claimed looks more like an advanced analytic tool than a game. It takes a person with a strange brain (and some sort of Stockholm Syndrome) to complete it. Record is something like 313 hours in a speedrun (all active, as speedruns don't allow for inactive progress, when the game isn't running.)

There is a strange draw to it, wanting to know how to get to the next step, next stage... and there are SOOOOO many stages and challenges.

Dimensions make antimatter. AM is used to buy more dimensions. Higher dimensions feed into lower ones; 87654321... (spoiler) a sequence that may be helpful to remember for certain challenges later in the game. Stages seem endless; pre-infinity, Infinity, Eternity, and later stages we aren't even supposed to talk about (spoilers) per rules in their Discord channels (forums). What a strange game... huge numbers, many layers of prestige mechanisms, and the most fascinating thing about it may be that somehow, magically, the math works out. Perhaps that's what keeps the analytically-minded addict going thru to the end. And the sense of utter amazement that Hevipelle, the evil genius, could conceive of such an evil and addicting game. It's a masterful example of overengineering; the type of thing I might get fired for at certain contract jobs in the past.

Yes Hevipelle, I said it. You are a genius. But evil... lol.

 Everything burned.

About two weeks ago, everything burned.

All documents, all computers, all phones, seemingly all truck keys... I can't find them.

Everything. 

Except, I managed to find my wallet. And we had our passports in the truck. And the truck is, probably, okay. 

But a lifetime of stuff collected by two people... what do you do, when everything burns, in 5 minutes? 

Well, we are still alive, and only about $85k lost I guess. Or more. I need a job now... 

I don't feel like posting pictures, or identifying who I am right here. But it was quite a shock, surprise, disappointment, and leaves me exceedingly frustrated. And sometimes feeling a bit cursed, since it comes after a 3 year string of losses, totalling many times the value of this little house. 

Any fantasies I had of creating my own products, apps, services, etc, seem to have gone up in those flames... for now. Just need a job, to rebuild my career, and hopefully not lose it due to my ADHD/Aspergers/focus/communication issues or whatever caused prior job losses.

GTA: open-world gaming and automation

I have been immersed in the world of GTA:O (Grand Theft Auto V : online) for 3 months now, and asking myself questions about motivating factors that draw a person into this game, and keep them interested. I will not make a long post on the topic right now, but it's a mix of visual appeal, variety in the environment, variety of behaviors of characters and objects in the game, and overall an experience that leads to constant discovery (new vehicles, new missions, various unlocks, hidden items.) There's a certain element of skill-building, related to missions/jobs and sale activities. Frustration can be a motivating factor, such as driving into a ditch and then realizing I must be more careful when driving that vehicle next time. So the motivation is to learn to be more careful (while still hurrying, because sales missions are timed.)

old draft about candida (10/26/17 7:33 AM), now identify with Morgellons

For over three years, since about a month after this draft, I've identified with a condition knows Morgellons...

Not sure if I'll leave this up, but here's the old draft:

==

[Drafted 10/26/17 7:33 AM]

Candida(?) treatment protocol started

Candida-self-diagnosed.blogspot.com ? Just kidding...

I have suffered from itching symptoms that have increased over the years, and have been especially pronounced for the last year or so.  (I think my autism/Aspergers/ADHD symptoms, as well as some digestive issues and mild asthma, could be related to a Candida infection going back decades, into my teens or before.)

My latest treatment is Lufenuron, from Owndoc.com

Sunday 10/22 : about 50 to 100mg, I think

Monday: about 100mg to 200mg

Tuesday: about 100 to 200

Wednesday: about 100 to 200. Much itching in face, scalp (eyes, nose, ears)

Thursday 10/26: Still a lot of itching, but the little buggers feel a bit quieter this morning. However, I seem to be scratching my nose. Some itching in my fingertips (just noticed in my left thumb), continued scalp itching.Around 60 to 100mg or so mixed into some Russian kefir grains, but I still haven't dug out a scale to measure, and I estimate 2 grams have been consumed already, so my numbers don't add up. (I should probably put this in a spreadsheet and only blog it when I'm done...)

Nebulous Soliloquy with PsychoTronic Interface to God

Nebulous Soliloquy with PsychoTronic Interface to God - SoundlessDawn

My attempt at transcription. See also:
The Logomachy of Zos - By Austin Osman Spare:
http://hermetic.com/spare/logomachy.html (many quotes are from here)
http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/ciencia/ciencia_dimensiones02a.htm
http://www.specularium.org/hypersphere-cosmology
http://www.parareligion.ch/sunrise/staley16.htm
http://labyrinthofthepsychonaut.blogspot.com/2010/12/nebulous-soliloquy-with-psychotronic.html
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0953101606/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=hermeticlibrary-20&linkCode=as2&camp=217145&creative=399373&creativeASIN=0953101606
==

Vorticitating, hyperspherical space-time has no beginning or ending, but its finite and unbounded extent does not render it incomprehensibly infinite in space, either. The chance that rules it does not act completely blindly, because mind forms an integral part of its function.

Welcome, to the participatory universe! The geometry of this map permits magic, and invites all of us to become apprentice gods.

The Abyss, self-projecting from non-existence, the procreatix "I", was the great change in the beginning to extend the purpose of desire for time to make all existence, in exact all things kept forever vague. A sorcerer's only option then is Nebulous Soliloquy with Pyschotronic Interface to God. The body is allowed to manifest spontaneously, and is arbitrary, and impervious to reaction.

Only he who is unconscious of his actions has courage beyond good and evil, and is pure in his wisdom of sound sleep. Will is transitioned. The painful process of transmigration, a labor of birth and death. Volition to supercede a thing is inability to realize the living self. But whatever is attained is but the reawakening of an earlier experience of the body. Man should most desire simultaneous consciousness of the separate entities.
       
All consciousness of "I" is a decline and vegetates good and evil, a thresh that compulsion [of?] limit and morality. From spontaneous nonexistence, germinate all significant ecstacy that shall last in the uttermost impossibilities, unconditioned to will.

You, are this present "god", this termite and many other things not yet domesticated or associated with thought.

This focus "I", called consciousness is unaware of its entire living embodiment, but alternates and epitomizes the personality.

What is "I", and the extent of its conscious habitation? A weak desire. A memory governed by ethics, and ignorant of its own bodies.

Identity, is an obsession. A composite of personalities, all counterfeiting each other. A fabulated ego, a resurging catacomb, or the phantomesque demiurges seek in us their reality. Ideas of self and conflict cannot be slain. By resistance, they are reality. No death or cunning has overcome them. But it is their reinforcement of energy.

The reality we know is interconnected with the unseen by some design of thought we have yet to know.

The eclectic path is not an avoidance of obstacles, but an alignment that cuts through, from one predetermined place to another. God is within us, not yet seen, but as a mirror's reflection, an inexistent reality of presence without resonance.

Reality, Truth, Life

I am everywhere present, yet unknown to myself... I am a configuration of all the multitudinous compositions, and knowing not myself fully how can I know much of other selves and the gods? But the man we know is mainly made from the beliefs that he enacts, for 'being' is a function of the all-remembering Soul ...

[ http://hermetic.com/spare/logomachy.html]

Mathematical alignments prove the pragmatism of "as if"; a straight-line being the segment of an undetermined and extensive arch. Forms attain additives by dimensional differencia and orientations of objects perceived. The quintessence of monotony, all things alike and equal.

Mind, body, ego and all things are formulated from desire; to desire and desire forever.

Within the Alphabet lies all the arbitrary abracadabra of our knowledge.

Panacea: not presence, impulse, conceit, but the audacity of 'instant mind-courage' in action, is the answer that fulfils.

How do we know a damned thing? Chaos is our language; our own eccentric rhythms are unsynchronized to Cosmos—with a mildewed ear for the brassy cacophony of imaginary menageries dissonant to each other; and it all ends drooling over minutiae to discover oneself.

Life is an endless re-creation. Whatever we are, our value is in the next existential: always a composite of some yesterday's potentialities.

Whether we are inspired by the gods or by any other means it is all the same; we are as they, and much as they are to us.

I'm here now; how did that happen? Why does everybody keep telling me it's so damn miraculous? I'm being vampirically fed-off-of as I listen for parasites in-between my heartbeat. Now I'm running through a gauntlet of boring swords and uneventful lemming-like obstacles that my imagination could have easily handled without ever having been born. Now having to suffer this world.

Yet none remembered having desired existence. We are simply "here." We have arrived in a 3-dimensional experimental world of dualism, one of darkness, and of light. One where our unnecessary bodies are temples for letting go of absolutely everything that they attained. We are a part of something that we remember not the purpose or usefulness of. Walking like strangers amongst one-another, increasing hive-mind-telepathy via a universal insect-internet, with an almost full amnesia of our purpose. We know pain and mental-gymnastics. We know how to preoccupy ourselves with the truth that this current reality is a cold one, one which is *extremely* limited. One in which every man and woman clutches themselves in pain and dies alone in absolute horror. But that also offers us gestures and laughter and elation, and at times, bliss, on-tap.

Can we be okay, when we are *not* okay? Will there be a cosmic sign without, or a gentle-germination of some far-off light within? Or can we fool ourselves into never being found again?

In the valley of the psychotron I have seen vistas of vulture-swept canyons that pulsate electric merkaba which dance on my corneas. We can all go there and escape this prison while still being inside of it. Hard alone, having the gift of tongues, this universal understanding. Hence to know its fundaments is the initial path to wisdom and knowledge.

However great your reach, whatever you touch shall touch flesh. We cannot love love too much, when we find it.

We are as shadows of our doubts, delusion [reared?] haunted by our fears and doubts. In our relation to cosmos, if significance is measured by our in-creative ability, then we are of no greater worth than an amoeba. Nature permits no interrogation; our techniques merely imitate, and only if so allowed.

The deceiver, do not further deceive yourself. The function and purpose of life seem almost an experiment in genious; a chosen few at one time.

Genius can create dreams within dreams, and not in the Kitzche Inception-like Hollywood way, either. The imaginative realms are vast and uncompromising, yet malleable to its creator. There exists a Grimoire of symbology, of vague phonic nuances that can join all thought, and is the cryptic language of the subconscious world.
  [ http://www.horusmaatlodge.com/silverstar/SILVERSTAR10-PG23.htm ]
It is the panoramic vista of limitless possibility in the state of no-mind. Deep silence and lonely-longing unfreeze the all-prolific mind. Oh death, thou wouldst be the bringer of great gifts, were thou not a misnomer, "the end."

In some manner, do all the weary speak this. If the absolute relates to all non-absolutes and all antithesis, then we lack only the conjunctionalism for infinite interrelatability, and self-identity.

There is no greater mystery than man, because of his imperfections, his great love of falsity, his great hatred of his-self. A touch of lusty levity cures the illusions of our hemianopic moralities, sensibilities, and righteousness. For the life-force is not blind, we are.

God is absolutely my own idea, our own idea, otherwise God cannot exist. Some things are far-distant in time and space. We journey by relatability, whether fictional or non-fictional; either will serve.

Man's love for fancy dress, of masquerading his true translatable symbolism, one fiction guising another. There are conventions of asking, giving, receiving and taking.  How remiss we are, we are often ask, give-to, receive or take from the wrong people. We are dimensionally-caged, but nothing prevents our looking through the bars. Imagination has fewer bars than reasoning.

Thought is like the ether; it conveys and permeates all things, giving all we initially know. And what do we give it in return?

We can try to know ourselves, to renounce ourselves. We but change our mental clothes by new figures of speech. The mind is our index of the infinite, exhibiting a universe of which we know little, yet the unknowable within us is vaster, and hence more potent a possibility.

We have erected the negation of equity into a form of existence by systems of government which we perceive as reptilian engineers that have stolen our birthright, but the control-system is a game, and of the nominal, our eternity, we hope that all of our efforts in life are ultimately for a permanent perfection. With change an additional pleasure, everything, knowledge and experience of life contradict such a possibility, yet we feel it; we know of its coming.

no salvia lately, work and projects

I just can't seem to get back to "doing Salvia" lately, still. Work + current girlfriend + current projects seem incompatible with such explorations. At the same time, I feel like it would help me to occasionally "reboot", as the deep Salvia trance can feel like (when you forgot everything, even that you were a human in the midst of an incarnation, or whatever you may term this lifetime, and you simply "be", as pure consciousness, with no verbal thought forms cluttering up your consciousness. Thought-free awareness.) I still intend to get back to making extract, with my second of two kg that I bought in 2009. It's been a rather long journey, since those first few doses of 20x extract. I can't say whether I've become a better person for having done it. I think I let go of some stuff, but it's hard to put into words. I realized "life is a game", but maybe that's not the right characterization, because I don't want to imply that our journey through this life is completely trivial or unimportant. I don't think we would have decided to come here into this dimension, this reality, this experience, with all of its challenges if it were unimportant. But "don't sweat the small stuff", and "don't *should* on your self"; basically, don't regret, and forgive yourself for any and all "mistakes". And maybe there are no "mistakes", per-se, since we decided to come here and to have this experience. I think I've internalized some of this, on some level, yet I think I continue to resist. I have some doubts whether Salvia can take me any further, however. Perhaps it can open the door to greater awareness and understanding, but that I as a conscious being in a human body have to do the real work of integration and proving that I understand the lessons I had a glimpse of in an intuitive sense in the Salviaic state. I have some suspicion, at times, that he/she, the spirit of Salvia, gave up on me, at least for a time, because I was so stubborn and disrespectful (especially when I did Salvia mixed with alcohol, and in a nightclub environment a couple of times. My motivations at times were closer to a form of abuse, and Salvia doesn't like that. It wants respect, demands it even, and if you do it without respect, you may get a drug experience, but that may be all you get. No insights, no trip anywhere, just a brief drug-experience and no more. That's the way it feels. Or maybe my psyche had had enough of it and had no more to reveal to myself (strange to think of me and myself as this dichotomy...) Either way, I seem to have given up, for now. At least until I get up the determination to make extract again. But the gf practically forbids it (because of an irrational fear of acetone toxicity.) Oh well...

Xiki: Can your shell console do this?

Teen Speaks Over 20 Languages

Where next with consciousness-development tools?

This blog evolved from talking about an incident in 2008 while working at a small insurance company downtown, when I was overstressed, drinking too much caffeine, not sleeping well, having alcohol at night sometimes further impairing my sleep, until I napped under covers on a hot July day and experienced heat-exhaustion, an panic-attack (called 911), and possibly a manic-low, because clearly (to me) the next day I had a manic-high (mind-racing, everything looked brighter, perhaps even a touch of hypersexuality (desire to interact with others on many levels, though it didn't manifest as any particularly strange behavior to others as far as I know), to a blog about my use of Salvia later on, but now I don't seem to have any reason to write on it. I've half-tried to stay anonymous on here, as seems to make sense if I'm to admit to such things.... Anyway, what next? I don't use Salvia often anymore. I found I could reach the beginnings of the hallucinogenic zone with my cheap ($30) vaporizer, once I learned the technique; about 420 F to 440 F, preheat for about 15 minutes, pack in about four to six leaves, then inhale the mist, and I barely taste it as long as it doesn't ignite. Also, packing some aluminum foil into the whip may help, because by covering the leaves with foil I can prevent direct contact with the hot element which tends to lead to ignition. But it still takes a long time compared to using an extract, so I don't do it often. Only once (recently) did I reach that hallucinogenic zone using the vaporizer. I may attempt again, but I'm far more concerned lately about functionality in everyday life and productivity at work. I'm on "bench-time" right now, so feel it's okay to experiment a bit at times, but am more interested in more practical "experiments", such as my current one of taking a prescription from a doctor for MPH (Ritalin), which does seem to help focus quite considerably. I hope I can get a diagnosis for ADHD or Asperger's which could enable me to take it regularly, because I am rather convinced it could help me at work, to stabilize my job and my career, perhaps even to increase my income when I overcome some challenges I'm still dealing with. My career has been in the doldrums since about 2003 (inconsistent income or employment), even as I lost all the money I had in 1999, though I've just finished my first continuous year (almost 18 months now) with the same employer, so it's looking up. I have many idea about using Haskell or Scala to build a startup, but perhaps that will have to wait until after my next assignment. Perhaps the Indian consulting agency for which I work will find me a new assignment soon. Or maybe I will finally apply for a position programming in Scala, as I had intended to several weeks ago when I lost my last assignment... As for consciousness-exploration activities; I have twice done Holotropic Breathwork with a group, and might try it again, but think it should be possible to do the breathing on my own or with a little supervision from the girlfriend so I'm hesitant to try it again due to the cost. Nevertheless, I think it's been worth it every time, and would consider doing it again. There are other types of breathwork available, and I tried one at a yoga studio once, and might try that again. That was for two hours, and everyone in the group did it simultaneously. I think it was less intense than the 3-hour guided Holotropic session, but perhaps it could still be potentially just as powerful. Again, back to Salvia. It really doesn't give me any obvious-feeling insights most of the time I take it, anymore. Perhaps that's partly because I rarely have extract, and rarely have intense doses that take me into the trance let-alone into the hallucinogenic zone. But I think it may also be that he/she/it (spirit of Salvia, or perhaps my higher-self, or whatever it is that speaks to me in that state of consciousness) has little left to say to me right now. Maybe it's just something to do once or twice a year, and set some specific intentionality about it related to the experience. Maybe most people should just do Salvia once or a few times in their life, or maybe, as I have sometimes though, most people aren't supposed to "know", aren't supposed to do Salvia at all within their incarnation. Because maybe they are supposed to be stuck in whatever belief-system their soul/higher-self has chosen for the incarnation, including the many belief-systems that deny the existence of reincarnation. It certainly felt like a big secret when I first tried 20X extract of Salvia and went into that zone of the trance where I knew I was not my body, and that my consciousness exists outside of the realm of this temporary physical-reality. But as I said, as far as playing the "game" of life, once I understand that is all it is, but want to be reasonably "good" at it, if that's what I think playing the game is about.... Salvia seems to have little to offer to help with those "practical" things of everyday existence. It won't, in-general, make me a faster or better worker, for example, except that I felt it was very useful when I had a lot of emotional stuff going on because Salvia helped me disassociate from all that silly stuff and perhaps I could see it for what it was, the silly stuff of every life... perhaps I could "lighten-up", as Bashar has said at times (while channeled by Darryl Anka ... he is a popular personality on Youtube in some circles), or perhaps I wouldn't lighten-up, but at least I could "reboot" and start over where I was before, coding away like crazy as I was in F# that last month at Expedia, when I was probably freaking out my boss because I was not talking to him well at all, but I was getting the most code done in my life, even if perhaps most of it was useless to him and it all went to waste when I was let go. Okay, again, as I said, not too useful for everyday life... at least, not in that context, though perhaps if I worked on my own at home for a startup it would be more practical to be doing that occasionally, even daily for a while. Heck, anything goes at home, right? But not on the job (I took long walks a few times a week to get away... I had some emotional stuff going on that month and was not interested in engaging with coworkers or my boss very much, unfortunately, in July 2012.) So meditation and/or breathwork might be more useful to me than Salvia, but I do neither on any regular basis. Oh, my last post was about Piracetam? I'm almost disappointed in myself for not continuing to write on here about Piracetam and Noopept. They were both quite effective in my first 3 months of use, or the first two months of use of Noopept. I didn't feel that much from Piracetam alone, but when I got on Noopept and tried some higher doses, say 60mg to 100mg sometimes, I had some strong anxiolytic action, causing me to feel more social, talk to the ladies I was driving to and from work (carpool) more often, and also sometimes I felt I was a bit more awake, more focused, and that everything looked brighter. The fact that everything looked brighter was probably the most surprising effect I noticed, though it wasn't really easy to measure. I guessed that a number of binge-drinking sessions in my late 30s and early 40s might have caused some sort of mild brain-damage that was being fixed or compensated for by noopept, as it broke-up plaques (as it is documented to do). Specifically, it's the cyclo-prolyl-glycine which breaks up the plaques. Anyway, I was so excited by the dramatic effects of noopept for a while that I think it was one reason I began to lose interest in Salvia (besides the loss of obvious "insights" from the Salvia sessions.) And Salvia just isn't so necessary anymore; it told me what it needed to. But although I take small amounts of noopept fairly regularly now, especially as a hangover-prevention remedy (it seems very effective for that!), I don't feel that it does much anymore. Maybe I'll try some other 'racetams (ani-, oxy-, prami-, etc), but Noopept is cheaper and so effective at first that I've been hesitant to try. For now, I'm going with a recommendation from some unconventional sources to try Ritalin, and hope that that is what will have the most benefit for me at this time (besides proper diet, more exercise, fish oils, more coconut oil, etc.)

piracetam

The Salvia D. experiences and expiriments seem to be mostly on-hold for the last few months. I've had some very low-dose sessions, but have not made any attempt to "break through" or anything close, lately. Again, I think the important thing right now for me is to engage in life, engage in my job, and if there was anything at all escapist about SD usage (which isn't really an accurate characterization of my usage but may have an element of truth to it), then to discontinue usage for now and just learn better how to modulate my experience of life in this reality using techniques available to the body without drugging it too much. Techniques such as breathing (holotropic breathwork and breathing circles.) I mean to go back to that, and possibly, eventually, integrate some form of Salvia usage into breathing sessions. But until I'm doing the breathing, I'm hesitant to pick the salvia usage back up again. So for now I mostly just experiment with caffeine and alcohol, much to my dismay. They are equally dangerous drugs for me, and I should quit them both. Caffeine usage tends to ruin my sleep, and alcohol usage sometimes does, sometimes doesn't, depending on quantity and how late I drink. I really should exercise more; that would probably form enough of the needed substances such that I would not really need to be supplementing with ALCAR, for example. I take a gram or two or so of Piracetam each day, some ginseng (500mg yesterday), way too much coffee and/or tea and hot chocolate... and yesterday I was highly awake even at midnight or so, but woke at 5am. Now I'm dead tired and it's taken me almost 2 hours to begin to really wake up. Does not bode well for having a highly creative and productive day at work today, but perhaps I did enough creative thinking in the past couple of weeks that I can just dig in and start coding, start implementing my ideas of the past few weeks. I really would like to start impressing some people at work, and feel like that is necessary to keeping this job long-term, or even medium-term. Although I probably don't have to impress them "too" much; I think this is a fairly low-key job. But it's important to me to start building something I can be proud of. Piracetam? The title of my post... We'll see how that goes. I'm taking it with choline bitartrate. Both came in bulk, about a pound each, from a seller on Amazon.com. I'm not sure what the piracetam does, but I think I do notice a subtle and perhaps sometimes not-so-subtle improvement in the clarity of my thinking. I have no objective measurement for the change in cognition, if any, though. I have at times felt like the room looks brighter after taking it, like things are more "alive"-looking. So it's probably doing something, but again it's subtle and not really indistinguishable from a placebo-effect. I guess I'll have to try the noopept soon (1000X stronger than piracetam, they say.) Again I wish I had an objective measurement for the difference. I'm fairly certain they do not act as stimulants.