no salvia lately, work and projects

I just can't seem to get back to "doing Salvia" lately, still. Work + current girlfriend + current projects seem incompatible with such explorations. At the same time, I feel like it would help me to occasionally "reboot", as the deep Salvia trance can feel like (when you forgot everything, even that you were a human in the midst of an incarnation, or whatever you may term this lifetime, and you simply "be", as pure consciousness, with no verbal thought forms cluttering up your consciousness. Thought-free awareness.) I still intend to get back to making extract, with my second of two kg that I bought in 2009. It's been a rather long journey, since those first few doses of 20x extract. I can't say whether I've become a better person for having done it. I think I let go of some stuff, but it's hard to put into words. I realized "life is a game", but maybe that's not the right characterization, because I don't want to imply that our journey through this life is completely trivial or unimportant. I don't think we would have decided to come here into this dimension, this reality, this experience, with all of its challenges if it were unimportant. But "don't sweat the small stuff", and "don't *should* on your self"; basically, don't regret, and forgive yourself for any and all "mistakes". And maybe there are no "mistakes", per-se, since we decided to come here and to have this experience. I think I've internalized some of this, on some level, yet I think I continue to resist. I have some doubts whether Salvia can take me any further, however. Perhaps it can open the door to greater awareness and understanding, but that I as a conscious being in a human body have to do the real work of integration and proving that I understand the lessons I had a glimpse of in an intuitive sense in the Salviaic state. I have some suspicion, at times, that he/she, the spirit of Salvia, gave up on me, at least for a time, because I was so stubborn and disrespectful (especially when I did Salvia mixed with alcohol, and in a nightclub environment a couple of times. My motivations at times were closer to a form of abuse, and Salvia doesn't like that. It wants respect, demands it even, and if you do it without respect, you may get a drug experience, but that may be all you get. No insights, no trip anywhere, just a brief drug-experience and no more. That's the way it feels. Or maybe my psyche had had enough of it and had no more to reveal to myself (strange to think of me and myself as this dichotomy...) Either way, I seem to have given up, for now. At least until I get up the determination to make extract again. But the gf practically forbids it (because of an irrational fear of acetone toxicity.) Oh well...